[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Autocorrect completely socks
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
This will never not be funny 😭
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…