My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.