I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Close call…
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question