Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.