*me flirting
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I had to Stop for this
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.