If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
You Might Also Like
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.