I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*launders Kohls cash*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM