Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
watergate? u mean a dam??
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣