I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.