Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
crying
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.