Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
#ParentingFacts
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask