Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You Might Also Like
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”