Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.