Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex