I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I hope they boil the right one.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Food gives you energy to nap more.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.