I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This 4th of July, please remember…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
They’re the worst 😩
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn