I’ve been learning to cook.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!