supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes