[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
You Might Also Like
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
are they though??
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
#JohnTravolta
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath