Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”