You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
a badder mouse
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
nature’s most graceful animal
notice
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety