Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.