olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL