Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
quarantine day 3
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
man: wait
time: no
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u