I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Spa day..😅
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo