Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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