crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.