The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
This fish is cracking me up
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.