Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Body by Oreos
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
kitchen magnet
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i prefer mine room temperature.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
me, after any kind of buffet.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.