Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
sry
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”