Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT