Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
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(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.