Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time