Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Is this you?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.