Home is where your toilet is.
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN