Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me refusing to leave twitter
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
OH. COME. ON.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
😩😩😩
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.