It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
A man of commitment.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly