My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot