Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.