I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone