So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M