11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
You Might Also Like
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I missed you with all my darts
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The news
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.