Simple enough.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man