Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.