Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
How to woo a woman
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’