RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.