My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You Might Also Like
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me: