I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over