Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.