My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.